I got an email from the shul last night, informing me that I was to be honored with gelilah for the second Torah on the second day of Rosh Hashanah. Being the cynical conspiracy theorist that I am, I immediately called Harav Eliyahu Fink to ask whether this required me to sit through long periods of time. I honestly feared that those long periods of boredom would lead me to sexual thoughts and everyone knows that the more you think about repressing sexual thoughts while holding a Torah, the worse it gets. I would say that it ranks up there with being called to the Torah on shabbos afternoon and farting so bad that the Rabbi takes a leave of his throne. I also feared that this second sefer Torah gelilah honor, was really just a way to get me to sit through shofar without reading the gadol fiction I spend most of my time in shul reading.
Fink told me it was only the haftorah, great, but what if some stuttering newly indoctrinated BT was hired to do the haftorah and he got stuck on some complicated word like misragshim? What if the volley of suggestions from the audience as to how to pronounce the word didn’t work and he had to be changed out in the middle? Has that even happened? The only time I saw someone get changed out was on Pesach when the old Holocaust survivor doing musaf collapsed in the middle.
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